I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
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dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
i wish i could marry a nap
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
You are what you delete.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!