“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
It’s actually Dr. whatever
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.