I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Barbie gone wild
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
synchronized noseblowing
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Don’t we all.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.