“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
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Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.