Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
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[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
one last job
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.