Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
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Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.