What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
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Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
smartest karate player in the world
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Bobby pin
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.