My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
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I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
me and who
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now