How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
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olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Ugh
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”