I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
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i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page