They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
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Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
my sentiments exactly
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My first son he is wonderful
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.