I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL