If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Life is a suicide mission.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car