My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
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Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Always…
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.