My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
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karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard