*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces