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too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I’m not lazy
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer