1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
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As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏