I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
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I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I get distracted pretty eas
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Social distancing in Australia:
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.