When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
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Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.