My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
You Might Also Like
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Simple
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about