“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
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As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?