I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
You Might Also Like
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles