*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
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My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS