You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
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I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Oceanography is all about current events