*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
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[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”