Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
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LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.