And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
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I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?