Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
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A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
#oldknees
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops