A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
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Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”