Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
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for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I’m about to risk it all
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
A roof is a house hat.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?