Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
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My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried