“Everybody freeze!”
-November
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If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”