ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
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I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
🤣dope
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”