I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
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I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.