I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
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I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Carpe DM
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I put the hot in psychotic.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
The Others (2001)
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?