Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
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Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
My dress code is business-casualty.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle