If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
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Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out