She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
You Might Also Like
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
12653.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!