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Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I just ran a .003048K
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.