At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
You Might Also Like
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!