NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
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Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.