McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
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Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.