Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?