This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
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I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”