ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
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I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Feel. He’s so soft.
December birthdays be like…
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.