Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
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Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”