son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
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Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.