Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
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ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.