Lately I have the attention span of wait what
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why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
“Theirye’re” problem solved
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
monday
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead